I'm sorry I haven't posted regularly. I keep forgetting. I am sitting at home doing nothing and feeling very blergh. I know that I should be happy with my life. I've travelled, I have a degree, I have three extremely close friends and quite a few acquaintances, I have a job and I am (relatively) healthy.
But I seem unable to dwell on the positives and am being chased by the black dog.
Yes, I have a job, until the end of June and then I am not sure what will happen. Also, in that job I am yelled at every single day, looked at like I'm scum and not listened to. I understand that there is a 'test' period, but at what point do they fucking calm down and stop treating me like I am worth less than the poo on your shoe.
Yes, I've travelled, I have that life experience, but I have no money (to the point of wanting to kick something.) I cannot do anything. I want to join the local concert band, but I don't have the money to service my instrument (no double entendre intended) and I want to join a gym, but can't commit to the year. I hate being itinerant when you want to not be. When you're travelling, the ability to pick up and move in the moment is a blessing, but when you're stuck in a place with no telling if you'll be able to continue that in a month and a bit, it's totally demoralising.
I have a degree. And, I believe, have gotten in to my masters come July. But I feel like a fraud. Taking so long to get my degree and then going overseas, I have no idea about what's current in my own state. I hate to think that doctors are as nervous and unconfident as me.
My close friends are great and I would go insane without them. In saying that, they are married, living out of state, and pregnant. I don't really have the same things as them, and in all honesty am very jealous of them. I love them and would do anything for them, but to have just a smidge of their lives would be great.
I am not going to die soon. But I am 140kgs heavy. I have no life. I don't fit in seatbelts, I don't fit through gates, I don't fit in small shower door spaces. I am unattractive to everyone on the planet. So I will not be getting any of that stuff I want.
Why the hell can't life just be easy for once?