Sunday, May 23, 2010

black and canine-like

I'm sorry I haven't posted regularly. I keep forgetting. I am sitting at home doing nothing and feeling very blergh. I know that I should be happy with my life. I've travelled, I have a degree, I have three extremely close friends and quite a few acquaintances, I have a job and I am (relatively) healthy.

But I seem unable to dwell on the positives and am being chased by the black dog.

Yes, I have a job, until the end of June and then I am not sure what will happen. Also, in that job I am yelled at every single day, looked at like I'm scum and not listened to. I understand that there is a 'test' period, but at what point do they fucking calm down and stop treating me like I am worth less than the poo on your shoe.

Yes, I've travelled, I have that life experience, but I have no money (to the point of wanting to kick something.) I cannot do anything. I want to join the local concert band, but I don't have the money to service my instrument (no double entendre intended) and I want to join a gym, but can't commit to the year. I hate being itinerant when you want to not be. When you're travelling, the ability to pick up and move in the moment is a blessing, but when you're stuck in a place with no telling if you'll be able to continue that in a month and a bit, it's totally demoralising.

I have a degree. And, I believe, have gotten in to my masters come July. But I feel like a fraud. Taking so long to get my degree and then going overseas, I have no idea about what's current in my own state. I hate to think that doctors are as nervous and unconfident as me.

My close friends are great and I would go insane without them. In saying that, they are married, living out of state, and pregnant. I don't really have the same things as them, and in all honesty am very jealous of them. I love them and would do anything for them, but to have just a smidge of their lives would be great.

I am not going to die soon. But I am 140kgs heavy. I have no life. I don't fit in seatbelts, I don't fit through gates, I don't fit in small shower door spaces. I am unattractive to everyone on the planet. So I will not be getting any of that stuff I want.

Why the hell can't life just be easy for once?


  1. but once you are married and have children, no matter how much you love them, you still want to be single and living the other life that you are. People always want what the don't have

  2. Oh, and PS, I've got a blog post coming out tonight about envy, and how to use it to get what you want. Check it out! :)

  3. I have to tell you, that sometimes, your life sounds amazing. It's a blank canvas- you want to go back to uni? Great! You want to move overseas? Done! You can survive off two minute noodles for three months in order to buy or do something you really want.

    Kids and marriage are fantastic, but also come with responsibility and levelheadedness. I can't just move house, or quit my job and go back to uni. I can't even decorate my bedroom in pink and lace (apparently it's not 'manly' enough).

    One day, you'll have all those things you are lusting after now, and will look back to this footloose and fancy free time with fondness.

  4. Amy, I know that aspect of it is cool; I can just pick up and move. I'm not sure that that's what I want right now though.

    Kylie: I know the whole grass is greener thing. I'm not totally prepared to give up my individuality, but having some company would be great.