Saturday, January 30, 2010

We are gathered here today...

to celebrate the joining of Corinthe' and Ian in holy matrimony... although it wasn't necessary holy. It was in a church but they aren't really religious and there was no mention of God at all. It was, like Shantell and Marcus' so them. I really like the way that weddings these days really reflect the participants rather than just the 'legal' and 'religious' aspects of the ceremony.

Lisa turned up even later than we did and, man, that chick can decorate! It was so gorgeous. Really lovely. I was, not unlike the last wedding, worried about the fact that we were decorating and it wasn't 'organised' Again though, I realised half way through the preparation that it would be OK. It was what the bride and groom ((or as the lovely 4 year old attending tonight said, 'The Bride Girl and Bride Boy')) wanted. So what is wrong with that?

Really, why would I want to impose my idea of the traditional and conventional wedding on people that are anything but? Is this my own insecurity? I think so.   I am not engaged. I am single. Hopelessly single. And, you know what? That's OK. So why when I am involved in weddings do I get all 'teacher' and start bossing and stressing out? I know that I frustrated S&M a couple of years ago, and I hope that I didn't frustrate C too much - I know I did 'cause she made comments about my stressing - and for that I am eternally sorry.

The next wedding is next week and I really hope I can change this reaction.

Oh, and next post will be over the weekend with happy pictures of the afore-mentioned decorations (and much much less introspection.)

Friday, January 29, 2010

And a Little Blue Box

Hi! My name is Amy and I have the pleasure of being your guest blogger today. Meg asked me to drop in and bestow upon you some oodles of advice, wisdom and humour around the topic of TRAVEL.

Now, this is where our issue beings. You see, I don't know very much about travel. As in very little. As in I would go so far as saying I HATE travel. All that planning and worry and stress and thinking and converting cash and deeeep breath. Meg's not asking me to travel, just to write about it.

I will have to admit to you that my most extensive experience with travel is repeatedly watching Dr Who episodes.




David Tennant is my favourite Doctor. Look at that smoldering glare. Mmmmm

But, in the interest of somewhat keeping with the topic, I'm going to share with my top 5 travel locations. Note these are not in any particular order, I'm a busy woman and didn't have much time to put together a blog plan, this is all just coming out of my head as I write.

So, NUMBER ONE: ANCIENT ROME


This just looks delicious. Long, relaxing days lounging around and eating grapes. Oh, when I say Ancient Rome, I mean TV Ancient Rome- nice dresses, cleanliness, and handsome men. Don't go lecturing me about the 'real' ancient Rome- I don't care much for your 'reality'.

NUMBER TWO- NEW ZEALAND

The only overseas trip I've ever been on is to New Zealand. My husband & I honeymooned there 2.5 years ago (wow, 2.5 years of marriage. I can't believe we haven't killed each other yet). We stayed for two weeks, and it took me at least a week and a half to get comfortable, to adjust to the timezone, and figure out how much money I was allowed to spend, and oh yeah, it took that long for me to loose all feeling in my fingers, it was just that cold.

NUMBER THREE- US OF A

There are a number of reasons I want to visit the superpower of the modern world, the least not being that my husband was born there, they believe in supersizing foods and they make the most adorable baby boys clothes in the universe. At the moment, the main pull of the USA is to meet my favourite blogger of the moment. Her name is Katie, and her blogs from Confessions of a Young Married Couple have been known to make me shoot water out of my nose. They also have an adorable little boy they've nicknamed The Bean, and he's so cute that I just want to squeeze him and his tiny, cute baby face.



NUMBER FOUR- PETERBOROUGH

Because Meg is here! Except she's not- seven days from now, she'll be home, back in the land of Oz (and back to blogging!).

Okay, so that's four. But I can't think of a fifth, because well, I'm not a traveller. I'd rather eat a massive bowl of ice-cream than visit another nation any time of day.

Oh, and while I have your attention (I still have your attention, right? Or did you give up back at David Tennant?), I'll sign off. If you want more, come visit me here.

Anyway, I hope this was somewhat okay and I'll be asked back for more guest spots later, and well, she's moving back to Australia, and thereby able to track me down. She knows where I live!

Church squatting

Where we are staying has bedbugs. Well, actually, not the apartment we're in. The rest of the complex. So we had to move out for two nights so that the spraying could occur.

Where would we stay?

We had no money. We had no friends (OK, not technically true, but none of their friends could accommodate four people [two strangers from far off lands!]) We had no desire to sleep in the -30 degree 'heat' outside... what to do?

So the bride had a brainstorm - we would stay in the church!!!

I was excited to go for this adventure - one of the best stories I have from Germany is sleeping on the train station after Oktoberfest - but it kinda sucked. Not overly. It was warm, it was (air-mattress) comfortable, and it was sans payment.

We are back in the apartment now and the static electricity after the fumigation is incredible; I'm itching, my jacket is making electrical noises and we keep shocking each other.

But I'm with friends. I'm feeling confident. I am enjoying myself. Oh, and I discovered Tim Hortons.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Happy Mail Exchange

Over Facebook during 2009 I was given the challenge to handmake one thing for three people. I got the three people, came up with great ideas and didn't follow through. :( I justify it 'cause the person who was supposed to send me something didn't either... la-ame.... So when Chantelle over at Fat Mum Slim posted about her Happy Mail Exchange, I thought, 'a ha another chance!' And I signed up.

Go over to her site and sign up too. She doesn't bite (and has a really gorgeous daughter).



(this isn't mine... I stole it from Fat Mum Slim's blog. It's so gorgeous. Seriously, go look!)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Going, going, gone




I am gone. I've left. I am not in England anymore. I've decamped.  I got the hell off the island.

In case you can't tell... I've left for my holiday in Canada.

I'm going to be ├╝ber busy and may not be able to upload during this time. (I will try to post about the Wedding I'm going to at least, but I may forget.) But I might just set up some auto-loads tonight to go throughout the week. Such a cheat. *blush*

If any of my friends replied, you may get a couple of guest posts during the week. If they post, go check out their blogs (if they plug it!)

Have a heap of fun and post away - I will catch up on my return.... to Australia!!! *Weeee* I'm home in less than a fortnight!

Ciao!


Monday, January 25, 2010

I'm leaving..

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye


But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die


So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go


'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

My English jaunt is almost up. One more sleep and then at 8am tomorrow morning I will be getting in that taxi, waving goodbye to all I've known here. Lonesome, but I will be back in the bosom of family and long-standing friends.

I don't  know when I will be back in England. All I know is that I will be back. Peterborough? Highly doubtful. But as a tourist seeing soooo much more of it that I have this time? Hell yeah.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

SYTYCD

The only reality TV program I LOVE. It is my dream to be able to dance like this:





My favourite dance out of all the seasons I have seen is this one. (below) Not only would I kill someone to be able to dance like that, I would likely sell my soul to be able to do this standard of choreo.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

News Headlines

The BBC new headlines this morning (on the TV) are:

1. Heightened security risk
2. Pot holes
3. Social Workers failing
4. Haiti.

OK. 1 and 4 I get. 3 - Don't get me started (oh, OK, I'll expound below) but 2??? Pot holes?

1. No reason why. Just that it is. Apparently it might be to do with the detroit dude, or some 'information' that the security services of 'any of the first world countries' may have shared with the UK. OK. I get that sometimes it might be apparent that people 'hate' England. Unfortunately the UK is still losing at least one soldier per week in Helmand province. Why aren't they worrying more about that? It seems to be accepted that boys (last week one was 19!) are losing their lives almost everyday.

2. Apparently the snow has made potholes bigger. That's fine. Do I really need to see pictures of cars with broken wheel axles at 8am in the morning? I think not. If they are craters as they're showing, how hard is it to avoid the damn things? Maybe I'm a 'news snob' but this just doesn't seem like it should be the second item on the news.

3. Social workers get a bad wrap. I'm treading on fragile ground here - my sister is one. My job is quite similar (hello teachers!!!) This is in relation to the 'toxic' home lives of the two boys who tortured a couple of peers early last year in the UK. They've been sentenced indefinitely. Again, the news is chasing after the social workers who were in charge of the case. The boys (10 and 11) were on ASBOs and not removed form their parents. I don't know exactly what the 'toxicity' was in this case, however I've come across the 'normal' lives of kids in the UK. It makes me cry. While we priviledge the birth parents, children will be living in horrid conditions with minimal chance of breaking the cycle.

4. Haiti was one of the poorest countries before the earthquake. It was largely ignored. The amount of homeless people was incredible anyway. I am very sorry for the earthquake, but I am quite annoyed at the outpouring from Western Countries. Where were we when these people were struggling to survive anyway? I wonder whether the singers involved in the sing for Haiti concerts had even heard of the country before the earthquake.

Now I've expounded on the news, what are the headlines where you are and what are your thoughts about them?

Friday, January 22, 2010

Death and Taxes

... and moving. Who was it that said that moving was one of the most stressful things that anyone can do?
I am currently in the middle of moving. Not moving down the road either - I am moving continents!! This time next week I will be in the middle of my stopover in Canada and the following week I will be back in sunny (read: Freaking hot!) Brisbane.

I am looking forward to it, but am a little worried. I've changed. How much have I changed? I can walk now without thinking I'm going to die. I don't need my mother to sit with me until I fall asleep. I am quite happy to be alone (again) without thinking that I will die - OK, this still crops up sometimes, but generally it's of the as-long-as-I'm-at-home-someone-will-find-me variety. That and the whole 'I wonder what nail polish remover tastes like?' But, I am definitely a different person who moved to England in 2008. She's ready for her next adventure.

If I've moved on that much, what about my friends? Engagements have occured, babies have come into existence (and made me a little clucky each time I read about them... but no need or desire as yet) and new jobs have been taken. Will I still fit in? Will I be welcomed - I was the one who pissed off to the other side of the world  after all - back? Or for that matter, will I still want to fit in? Have I moved on too much? I doubt it very much, but I am still worried.

I am also annoyed at my bags. I have thrown three full bin bags of rubbish out, given three plastic shopping bags worth of stuff to friends and three bin bags to charity, and it STILL won't fit. I'm going to have to go through each packed bag individually and throw even more stuff out.

And you know what? I'm only packing one room up (sans furniture).

Kudos to those people who move whole  houses. I'm going to move into my house (when I get it) and never never ever leave.

I'm upset

I've got a 'food' headache. Something I used to have everyday of my life, until I took dairy and gluten out of my diet.

I've been eating them for broke over here... and have been OK for the past year and a bit.

But apparently, my tolerance has finished. Stupid digestive system.

But you know what? I'm kinda glad. It gives me the incentive to stop eating/drinking food that I know that I shouldn't when I get home.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

blergh

I know my blog hasn't been up to its normal standard recently. I enjoy writing my blog - it gives me an outlet, and I love it when people comment. I love being able to write light posts, even if it's about something 'dark'. I just can't seem to at the moment.

I have been at home trying to find something to do - read: bored out of my skull - for the past month. I don't cope well without work. I'm not down; I'm still feeling quite positive about life, I just am not my normally verbose and up-beat blogger.

I apologise. I will bring it up to scratch in the next few weeks when I'm in Canada and back home. *eee*

Oh, and I will finally post a pic of myself - if nothing else, to let the people who were interested to see my non-brushed hair.


Monday, January 18, 2010

Postsecret



In keeping with my previous post on confessions, this is one posted secret that resonated with me this morning on postsecret.com

I have over 200 friends on FB. I was proud of that for some reason. I've culled a few (9 to be exact) but I still have a heap of people on there. I don't talk to most of them and I don't even know who some of them are (I recognise their names from primary school, but wouldn't know them if they walked past me in the street)

I also have some jealousy when i look at others' 'walls' and they have post upon post. I don't. I have a circle of about 3-4 people  who post on mine. So really, I don't know why we don't just call/text or email each other rather than posting on FB.



So, this is something that I am working on at the moment. I am a friend in reality. I may not be a friend in cyberspace for hundreds of people, but I am a loyal friend in 'real life'.

But I'm still not quite ready to remove my a/c from FB. I enjoy FV too much!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Confessions

Ten confessions. They might shock you, or they might not. You might see yourself reflected in them, or you might not. And I must warn you - there is a little too much information in this post... so look away if you don't want to be grossed out!

1. Debt. I have a lot of this. $12,000 personal loan, $1300 credit card, $9850 Mum, $7700 Dad. It is crippling. And while I really want to work in Japan, America, Canada and NZ, I can't justify doing this before I am debt-free. For this reason, I am absolutely willing to move to the boonies and take up a remote area placement. And I'm willing to live in school catchment there so I can walk/catch a bus (but I'm not willing to give up the car permanently... and let's be honest here, Brisbane public transport sucks, so this might not eventuate.)

2. Food. I hate cooking for myself and this year have pretty much lived off cheese sandwiches.

3. Toenails. I don't cut them until they start cutting my shoes. Ewww.

4. Hair. I own two brushes, but don't brush it. I think I've brushed my hair three times since 2008.

5. Bricks. I have to walk in the direction of the bricks in the sidewalk. Makes walking along fishbone patterns tricky.


I have many more secrets. I'm a secretive gal. This gal has to keep some things secret. 

What are some of your confessions?

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Dysfunctional Relationships

So when I was younger - a decade ago in actual fact - I had two friends who were a couple. Oh boy, were they bad together. Everytime she dumped him, he threatened suicide. So she stayed. She had to move to a different state to get out of the situation.

Why am I giving you this background you ask? Well, I went shopping today and while I was on the bus coming home, the song 'Beat It' by JLS came onto my iPod. Now, I really like this song. The melody really suits the music and the music, while extremely simple, gets into my bones and I need to move. But this time, I really heard the lyrics. Wow. Guilt trip.


Damn


The Doctor's just finished telling me there’s no time


Losing you could be the end of me and that I


Should do the things that I wanna do how could I


Without you without you ooh ooh


Cos you’re the only one I let in


Tell me how to stop this feeling spreading


I’m hoping somehow that you know ooh ooh


Lets just get back together


We should’ve never broke up


They’re telling me


That my heart won't beat again


We should have stayed together


Cos when you left me it stopped


They’re telling me


That my heart won't beat again


Wont beat again


It's killing me


If I died


Yeah would you come to my funeral would you cry


Would you feel some regret that we didn’t try


Or would you fall apart the same as I


And would it always haunt you baby


That you missed your chance to save me


Cos you know it's not too late

I need you back in my arms


I need love CPR


Cos its getting so cold ooh


I need you back again


Or else Ill never mend


And girl if I go I go I go I go


*I've taken out the chorus bits*

So, if there is an anthem for emotional DV it would be this one.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

In my cupboard are...

1. an unopened squeeze bottle of honey
2. a bottle of spaghetti sauce (basil and tomato)
3. a tin of crushed tomatoes
4. 1/2 packets of spaghetti
5. a pack of split peas.
6. raspberry tea
7. nettle tea
8. 1 jars of three bean mix
9. camomile tea
10. peppermint tea
11. turkish green tea
12. turkish apple tea
13. 1 box of meal replacements (12 meals apparently)
14. 6 taco shells
15. taco salsa
16. taco seasoning
17. 1/2 onion
18. 9 kipfler potatoes
19. 2 eggs
20. 2L cranberry juice
21. 12 fish fingers
22. 2 beef patties
23. a bag of frozen peas
24. 1/3 tub of soya spread
25. 3 individual packs of frozen vegetables
26. A pack of Quorn sausages.
27. 1 cans of lentils
28. A pack of Quorn mince


Hey! When you list it like that it doesn't look as little as it does when it's in the cupboard. I had two taco shells with the last of the ketchup for dinner. Nope, no meat no cheese.

But now I can see how much I've got left, I might go and make taco burgers... oooppps. No ketchup.

(To explain: I'm moving back to Australia in 13 days and can't afford to buy anything else and am pretty loathe to throw things out... but I'm so uninspired by what I've got left.)

Any ideas???

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Anthems of England

I was listening to one of my Christmas Presents today and wondering if, in this day and age of internet downloads, whether one of my current favourite tunes was released at home yet. I want to teach Nikki something other than Chipmunk about the music scene here....

I stumbled upon this blog - I cannot describe Cheryl Cole's 'Fight for this love' any better than this. Insipid, boring the first few times, but dear God, it worms its way into your brain and you just start singing along and tapping your feet. Damn her.


Cheryl Cole – “Fight For This Love”

Other favs this year have included

- BEP "I gotta feeling" First time I heard this was on a viral email in relation to the flash mob at Harpo studios. It's then become the anthem of clubbing... not unlike BEP in Germany. I think everytime I go overseas they release a new album!

- JLS 'Everyone in love' Jack the Lad Swing. Apparently. They came 2nd in 2008's X-Factor (the British equivalent of Idol). I've only just come around to these guys in the last month of so; I was too guilty to listen before 'cause they were reality tv stars. *gasp*

- Alexandra Burke 'Bad Boys' (w/ Flo Rida. I'm sorry, sir, just putting a space in the middle of the word does not negate the fact you've called yourself after a state and that it's pronounced Florida) The winner of 2008's X-Factor. Two singles later and I only like this 'cause the aforementioned man with the silly name is on it.

- Jason Derulo 'Whatcha say' This was on the CD that I got from Secret Santa and I just like it. Not sure why.

- Chipmunk 'Oopsy Daisy' Silly name. Silly silly name. Great song.

- Snow Patrol 'Just say yes' Have had a little - no, scratch that - a humungous Snow Patrol thing this year. I chose this one 'cause it's the current, but it's not my all-time fave of theirs. I'm not sure what is though. Their entire post Run catalogue is.

- AR Rahman & Nicole Sherzinger 'Jai Ho' Catchy, Bollywood dancing - what more can one ask for? Well, I would adore this even more if a PCD wasn't on it.

- David Guetta Sexy Chick I like this because of the line - "I'm trying to think of a way to describe this girl without being disrespectful'. Amuses me 'cause the song is called 'Sexy Chick'.

- Michael Buble 'Haven't met you yet' Orgasm in sound. 'nuff said.

- Kings of Leon 'Use Somebody' First heard in Dancing on Ice in 2008. Just an excellent track. Almost heaven.

- Paramore's Live Lounge cover of 'Use Somebody' Pure genius. Unlike the two versions of Run where there is definitely a clear winner on the 'better' version, these two are so different that I adore both versions. Actually, this song isn't almost heaven - it is. I think even Jedward could sing this and pull it off. OK. They couldn't. They couldn't let themselves out of a deathtank a la Jigsaw if all they had to do was sing one note in unison. But "Use Somebody" is on my list of best songs ever written.

- Hedley 'Old School' (No link for this one ladies and gents - it was all emo kids pashing and creating fan vids with them and their sims characters)

- Kelly Clarkson 'My Life Would Suck Without You'. A guilty pleasure is KC. Her album is brilliant.

- James Morrison & Nelly Furtado 'Broken Strings' I would swear this is a song I heard first in Australia, but it is an anthem in England 'cause it was big in the early part of 2009 here.


These songs will have good conotations forever. I love music.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Resolutions Schmesolutions.

I love that word. Actually I love that prefix. Schm-. Replace the beginning of a word with 'schm' and it's instantly negated. The best one - death schmeath.

Anyhoo... I joined Blogthis (see the little nifty link down on the right? Go ahead - click it!) and they do challenges. The one that is to be done this week is 'anti-resolutions'. I find that challenge pretty broad. I mean, I spend all my time being really specific. "You must include this, this and this. It must be presented in type, don't forget homework club. It must be presented to me on time, unless you speak to me first." I am forever taking a big topic and boiling it down to the nitty gritty and then getting absolutely specific on how that knowledge is to be regurgitated. Education systems don't favour originiality or non-conforming.

Ok, so that was starting to be a rant and I thought I'd stop it.

My anti-resolutions? I decided this year I wasn't going to make any. I always break them and spend some time feeling guilty and upset and then move on to other resolutions. My goals are in a constant change of flux. So, I don't have iron-clad musts this year. Just things I've been a-thinking 'bout and have decided they are going to come to fruition this year.

1.  Join a church. I don't necessarily believe in any orthodox religion. I don't pray to God, Allah or whatever conventional wisdom says. I celebrate Christmas as a non-religious getting together with friends (oh dear, I may offend people here) and being with people I love. I eat sugared candy in Easter 'cause that's what we do in Australia. I also believe in the healing power of crystals and energy lines within the body and spend my time attempting to join my energy with the ground and the universe. Even though The Secret is a crappy film - Channel 9 seriously, up your freaking budget! - I believe in it.

Reincarnation, yes. Guidance from angels, yes. Being vegetarian on a Monday to attract love, yes (I got this from a hindu housemate this year). I do spells.

I could keep going. I am attracted to certain rites from many religions. Diwali, Yom Kippur, Candlemas, Samhain, Nirvana, Joining for eternity. But I don't feel comfortable in removing my adherence to my monotheistic view of the world. So this year I aim to find a group of people who are welcoming to my ideas with the community feel of a church.

2. Be Debt-free. I have incredible debt. I owe $13500 to the bank and over $16000 to my parents. This is a cause of stress for me. It should not be this much at my age. I am single, don't own a car, don't own a house, have no children. I have however lived in Europe three times in the last decade. It hasn't gone to waste, but it shouldn't be. I am going to concentrate on bringing this debt down. If this was a resolution I would say 'eradicate' my debt... but as it is an anti-resolution, I am going to work on and bring it down.

3. Reduce my weight. I usually say 'lose my weight', but recently heard the comment - if I lose it, I can always find it again. I don't know how I am going to do this, but I am going to attempt it. This aim has been going since I was at a weight reduction club at ten (so... 17 years ago) and I think it will always be in my life. But at least if I concentrate on it for a little while in my new setting (hang on, new setting? I'll be back home) I may be able to remove some of this fat.

Three aims for the year. I don't think that they are onerous and you know what? I'm sure I can work on them... whether I will be debt-free, committed religious person or a size 10 girl remains to be seen.

As long as I can look back on the year and find ten good things that have happened and further me on my journey in spirit I will be happy.

Monday, January 4, 2010

The E.N.D.

is here. I no longer have work. I have no marking. I have no obligation to get up in the morning. I have no need to be yelled at all day. I am free!!!!!

... but am at a loss. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to occupy my time other than television and the internet (and others' blogs - I've joined Blog This, and am searching for new blogs every day)

I went in today to return my stuff (all the whole snow made sure that I didn't get my goodbyes a fortnight ago...) And you know what? I cried. I said goodbye to some people and it was good. It was an end and it didn't matter. Then I got to a couple of other people and I teared up. I was sad that they were not going to be in my days anymore, but it's time to move on.

Then I said goodbye to my share teacher from when I started. I cried. I couldn't stop myself. A single tear; but still it was enough. This woman made my life in 2008 when I started at the school. She was my confidante, my go-to for advice, the other person who was living through the hell I was. We shared classes and even though I had an easier time of it that she did (at no point did any of my classes all start banging their books on the table... although she never had a chair thrown at her either)  by having someone there who was having just as hard a time as I was made it easier. She made it so that I didn't give up. I am eternally grateful for her.

Saving money

I find this ridiculously hard. Ridiculously. I don't know what is so hard about spend less than you earn. (I also don't know what's so hard about eat less than you expend.  An opposite equation. Can I use the same excuse when I get a sum wrong in front of my class - Now you know why I'm not a maths teacher.? No? Oh.)

I have a debt that is standing over me and causing stress. When I let myself think about it that is. Denial was invented for us 20 somethings that haven't learnt anything about money in our lifetimes as those born in the 'decade-of-greed'. You want that chotchke? Why not? It'll show how much you care about the way you are represented to the greater public.

The best time I have ever had money-wise was in 2002. I wanted to go to Melbourne with some friends and wasn't working. I gave my mother my debit card and she got the money out for me and gave me $5 notes each day - enough to get to TAFE and back and buy lunch.

The worst was this past July. I knew I was going to have 7 weeks without any income. I knew it was coming - the exact dates and what would be needed in that time. Did I save for it? Did I hell. I survived on walking to town and buying 8-10 quid of food per week. I slept an inordinate amount of the time, and ate once a day. My rent included limitless internet and access to the computer. I went back to work with an increased awareness of saving. I bought my lunch with me and didn't go near the canteen (three levels of stairs and detentions given will help with that.) I was paying off my trip for Christmas.

Then I realised that I couldn't go on the trip if I wanted to go to a friend's wedding in Canada. Something had to give. I cancelled the tour (that I had borrowed money off of my father to pay for) and had 1300 quid burning a hole in my pocket. I bought my ticket from Canada to home, paid a little of my loan (hell, yes, I have over $14000 bank debt and $14000 parental debt) and then it was gone again. But I paid off my overdraft - and then cancelled it. Totally freeing. The money I have is now mine. I don't have much - especially since I haven't been paid for my last week of work - but what I do have is all mine and is not owed to Lloyds.

So, this year has taught me that I really don't need some of the crap I buy. And I mean crap. Why, when my hair is naturally frizzy and I like it like that did I buy curl enhancer? Or the mist spray that is a 'spa in your bathroom' that I've used twice? Or the dresses that were too small but I needed 'cause they were just too cute and I thought they might motivate me? (Incidentally, I am still bringing them home - they can be presents or I can wear them when I find the motivation) Or the stuff I bought for the classroom that promptly got stolen or wrecked?

I have spent so much money here, but will have nothing more when I go home - 20 kg is so little to boil it all down to.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Anger

It's been almost a decade since my life changed substantially. And I think that most of the time I am totally over it. I go about my day without thinking about it; I can go months - literally. Then I will decide to have a look through someone's pictures on Facebook and my anger comes crushing back in.

I don't often have a knee-jerk reaction of anger, fear and sickness, but to do with this situation I do. All together. At the same time. It's mighty uncomfortable. It reminds me of a person who I used to be who allowed this to take place. It reminds me of who I am now and how much hard, and I do mean hard, work it's taken to get me to this place in my life.

There are things in life that you can look back and go, well, that wasn't so smart was it duck? but that aren't horrifying, embarrassing and mortifying. This is not one of those times. I have spent (almost) the last decade trying to outrun these emotions and I just can't seem to. Any mention of the situation makes me so mad. I get so angry and - you know the saying 'white hot anger'? Well, I know what it means. It's when you are so instantly angry that all common sense is removed from life. It's the point where 'temporary insanity' is useful. Your eyes are clouded and you can't see straight. But not with blood, oh no, blood red anger is maintained, it seeps through every core of your being. White hot anger though is either not kept in your at all, or is so well hidden that it doesn't affect you. Until something pushes a button and rage just completely engulfs you. It takes you over and you are no longer the person you are. You wouldn't know yourself if you saw your face. It's when all the beings around you in spirit recoil.

And I hate that ten years later, when I think I am living my life the way I want, I am running. Running so hard, and not getting anywhere. It is still with me and I could go to the moon and still be angry.