Dysfunctional Relationships

So when I was younger - a decade ago in actual fact - I had two friends who were a couple. Oh boy, were they bad together. Everytime she dumped him, he threatened suicide. So she stayed. She had to move to a different state to get out of the situation.

Why am I giving you this background you ask? Well, I went shopping today and while I was on the bus coming home, the song 'Beat It' by JLS came onto my iPod. Now, I really like this song. The melody really suits the music and the music, while extremely simple, gets into my bones and I need to move. But this time, I really heard the lyrics. Wow. Guilt trip.

Damn

The Doctor's just finished telling me there’s no time

Losing you could be the end of me and that I

Should do the things that I wanna do how could I

Without you without you ooh ooh

Cos you’re the only one I let in

Tell me how to stop this feeling spreading

I’m hoping somehow that you know ooh ooh

Lets just get back together

We should’ve never broke up

They’re telling me

That my heart won't beat again

We should have stayed together

Cos when you left me it stopped

They’re telling me

That my heart won't beat again

Wont beat again

It's killing me

If I died

Yeah would you come to my funeral would you cry

Would you feel some regret that we didn’t try

Or would you fall apart the same as I

And would it always haunt you baby

That you missed your chance to save me

Cos you know it's not too late

I need you back in my arms

I need love CPR

Cos its getting so cold ooh

I need you back again

Or else Ill never mend

And girl if I go I go I go I go

*I've taken out the chorus bits*

So, if there is an anthem for emotional DV it would be this one.

In my cupboard are...

1. an unopened squeeze bottle of honey
2. a bottle of spaghetti sauce (basil and tomato)
3. a tin of crushed tomatoes
4. 1/2 packets of spaghetti
5. a pack of split peas.
6. raspberry tea
7. nettle tea
8. 1 jars of three bean mix
9. camomile tea
10. peppermint tea
11. turkish green tea
12. turkish apple tea
13. 1 box of meal replacements (12 meals apparently)
14. 6 taco shells
15. taco salsa
16. taco seasoning
17. 1/2 onion
18. 9 kipfler potatoes
19. 2 eggs
20. 2L cranberry juice
21. 12 fish fingers
22. 2 beef patties
23. a bag of frozen peas
24. 1/3 tub of soya spread
25. 3 individual packs of frozen vegetables
26. A pack of Quorn sausages.
27. 1 cans of lentils
28. A pack of Quorn mince


Hey! When you list it like that it doesn't look as little as it does when it's in the cupboard. I had two taco shells with the last of the ketchup for dinner. Nope, no meat no cheese.

But now I can see how much I've got left, I might go and make taco burgers... oooppps. No ketchup.

(To explain: I'm moving back to Australia in 13 days and can't afford to buy anything else and am pretty loathe to throw things out... but I'm so uninspired by what I've got left.)

Any ideas???

Anthems of England

I was listening to one of my Christmas Presents today and wondering if, in this day and age of internet downloads, whether one of my current favourite tunes was released at home yet. I want to teach Nikki something other than Chipmunk about the music scene here....

I stumbled upon this blog - I cannot describe Cheryl Cole's 'Fight for this love' any better than this. Insipid, boring the first few times, but dear God, it worms its way into your brain and you just start singing along and tapping your feet. Damn her.


Cheryl Cole – “Fight For This Love”

Other favs this year have included

- BEP "I gotta feeling" First time I heard this was on a viral email in relation to the flash mob at Harpo studios. It's then become the anthem of clubbing... not unlike BEP in Germany. I think everytime I go overseas they release a new album!

- JLS 'Everyone in love' Jack the Lad Swing. Apparently. They came 2nd in 2008's X-Factor (the British equivalent of Idol). I've only just come around to these guys in the last month of so; I was too guilty to listen before 'cause they were reality tv stars. *gasp*

- Alexandra Burke 'Bad Boys' (w/ Flo Rida. I'm sorry, sir, just putting a space in the middle of the word does not negate the fact you've called yourself after a state and that it's pronounced Florida) The winner of 2008's X-Factor. Two singles later and I only like this 'cause the aforementioned man with the silly name is on it.

- Jason Derulo 'Whatcha say' This was on the CD that I got from Secret Santa and I just like it. Not sure why.

- Chipmunk 'Oopsy Daisy' Silly name. Silly silly name. Great song.

- Snow Patrol 'Just say yes' Have had a little - no, scratch that - a humungous Snow Patrol thing this year. I chose this one 'cause it's the current, but it's not my all-time fave of theirs. I'm not sure what is though. Their entire post Run catalogue is.

- AR Rahman & Nicole Sherzinger 'Jai Ho' Catchy, Bollywood dancing - what more can one ask for? Well, I would adore this even more if a PCD wasn't on it.

- David Guetta Sexy Chick I like this because of the line - "I'm trying to think of a way to describe this girl without being disrespectful'. Amuses me 'cause the song is called 'Sexy Chick'.

- Michael Buble 'Haven't met you yet' Orgasm in sound. 'nuff said.

- Kings of Leon 'Use Somebody' First heard in Dancing on Ice in 2008. Just an excellent track. Almost heaven.

- Paramore's Live Lounge cover of 'Use Somebody' Pure genius. Unlike the two versions of Run where there is definitely a clear winner on the 'better' version, these two are so different that I adore both versions. Actually, this song isn't almost heaven - it is. I think even Jedward could sing this and pull it off. OK. They couldn't. They couldn't let themselves out of a deathtank a la Jigsaw if all they had to do was sing one note in unison. But "Use Somebody" is on my list of best songs ever written.

- Hedley 'Old School' (No link for this one ladies and gents - it was all emo kids pashing and creating fan vids with them and their sims characters)

- Kelly Clarkson 'My Life Would Suck Without You'. A guilty pleasure is KC. Her album is brilliant.

- James Morrison & Nelly Furtado 'Broken Strings' I would swear this is a song I heard first in Australia, but it is an anthem in England 'cause it was big in the early part of 2009 here.


These songs will have good conotations forever. I love music.

Resolutions Schmesolutions.

I love that word. Actually I love that prefix. Schm-. Replace the beginning of a word with 'schm' and it's instantly negated. The best one - death schmeath.

Anyhoo... I joined Blogthis (see the little nifty link down on the right? Go ahead - click it!) and they do challenges. The one that is to be done this week is 'anti-resolutions'. I find that challenge pretty broad. I mean, I spend all my time being really specific. "You must include this, this and this. It must be presented in type, don't forget homework club. It must be presented to me on time, unless you speak to me first." I am forever taking a big topic and boiling it down to the nitty gritty and then getting absolutely specific on how that knowledge is to be regurgitated. Education systems don't favour originiality or non-conforming.

Ok, so that was starting to be a rant and I thought I'd stop it.

My anti-resolutions? I decided this year I wasn't going to make any. I always break them and spend some time feeling guilty and upset and then move on to other resolutions. My goals are in a constant change of flux. So, I don't have iron-clad musts this year. Just things I've been a-thinking 'bout and have decided they are going to come to fruition this year.

1.  Join a church. I don't necessarily believe in any orthodox religion. I don't pray to God, Allah or whatever conventional wisdom says. I celebrate Christmas as a non-religious getting together with friends (oh dear, I may offend people here) and being with people I love. I eat sugared candy in Easter 'cause that's what we do in Australia. I also believe in the healing power of crystals and energy lines within the body and spend my time attempting to join my energy with the ground and the universe. Even though The Secret is a crappy film - Channel 9 seriously, up your freaking budget! - I believe in it.

Reincarnation, yes. Guidance from angels, yes. Being vegetarian on a Monday to attract love, yes (I got this from a hindu housemate this year). I do spells.

I could keep going. I am attracted to certain rites from many religions. Diwali, Yom Kippur, Candlemas, Samhain, Nirvana, Joining for eternity. But I don't feel comfortable in removing my adherence to my monotheistic view of the world. So this year I aim to find a group of people who are welcoming to my ideas with the community feel of a church.

2. Be Debt-free. I have incredible debt. I owe $13500 to the bank and over $16000 to my parents. This is a cause of stress for me. It should not be this much at my age. I am single, don't own a car, don't own a house, have no children. I have however lived in Europe three times in the last decade. It hasn't gone to waste, but it shouldn't be. I am going to concentrate on bringing this debt down. If this was a resolution I would say 'eradicate' my debt... but as it is an anti-resolution, I am going to work on and bring it down.

3. Reduce my weight. I usually say 'lose my weight', but recently heard the comment - if I lose it, I can always find it again. I don't know how I am going to do this, but I am going to attempt it. This aim has been going since I was at a weight reduction club at ten (so... 17 years ago) and I think it will always be in my life. But at least if I concentrate on it for a little while in my new setting (hang on, new setting? I'll be back home) I may be able to remove some of this fat.

Three aims for the year. I don't think that they are onerous and you know what? I'm sure I can work on them... whether I will be debt-free, committed religious person or a size 10 girl remains to be seen.

As long as I can look back on the year and find ten good things that have happened and further me on my journey in spirit I will be happy.

The E.N.D.

is here. I no longer have work. I have no marking. I have no obligation to get up in the morning. I have no need to be yelled at all day. I am free!!!!!

... but am at a loss. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to occupy my time other than television and the internet (and others' blogs - I've joined Blog This, and am searching for new blogs every day)

I went in today to return my stuff (all the whole snow made sure that I didn't get my goodbyes a fortnight ago...) And you know what? I cried. I said goodbye to some people and it was good. It was an end and it didn't matter. Then I got to a couple of other people and I teared up. I was sad that they were not going to be in my days anymore, but it's time to move on.

Then I said goodbye to my share teacher from when I started. I cried. I couldn't stop myself. A single tear; but still it was enough. This woman made my life in 2008 when I started at the school. She was my confidante, my go-to for advice, the other person who was living through the hell I was. We shared classes and even though I had an easier time of it that she did (at no point did any of my classes all start banging their books on the table... although she never had a chair thrown at her either)  by having someone there who was having just as hard a time as I was made it easier. She made it so that I didn't give up. I am eternally grateful for her.

Saving money

I find this ridiculously hard. Ridiculously. I don't know what is so hard about spend less than you earn. (I also don't know what's so hard about eat less than you expend.  An opposite equation. Can I use the same excuse when I get a sum wrong in front of my class - Now you know why I'm not a maths teacher.? No? Oh.)

I have a debt that is standing over me and causing stress. When I let myself think about it that is. Denial was invented for us 20 somethings that haven't learnt anything about money in our lifetimes as those born in the 'decade-of-greed'. You want that chotchke? Why not? It'll show how much you care about the way you are represented to the greater public.

The best time I have ever had money-wise was in 2002. I wanted to go to Melbourne with some friends and wasn't working. I gave my mother my debit card and she got the money out for me and gave me $5 notes each day - enough to get to TAFE and back and buy lunch.

The worst was this past July. I knew I was going to have 7 weeks without any income. I knew it was coming - the exact dates and what would be needed in that time. Did I save for it? Did I hell. I survived on walking to town and buying 8-10 quid of food per week. I slept an inordinate amount of the time, and ate once a day. My rent included limitless internet and access to the computer. I went back to work with an increased awareness of saving. I bought my lunch with me and didn't go near the canteen (three levels of stairs and detentions given will help with that.) I was paying off my trip for Christmas.

Then I realised that I couldn't go on the trip if I wanted to go to a friend's wedding in Canada. Something had to give. I cancelled the tour (that I had borrowed money off of my father to pay for) and had 1300 quid burning a hole in my pocket. I bought my ticket from Canada to home, paid a little of my loan (hell, yes, I have over $14000 bank debt and $14000 parental debt) and then it was gone again. But I paid off my overdraft - and then cancelled it. Totally freeing. The money I have is now mine. I don't have much - especially since I haven't been paid for my last week of work - but what I do have is all mine and is not owed to Lloyds.

So, this year has taught me that I really don't need some of the crap I buy. And I mean crap. Why, when my hair is naturally frizzy and I like it like that did I buy curl enhancer? Or the mist spray that is a 'spa in your bathroom' that I've used twice? Or the dresses that were too small but I needed 'cause they were just too cute and I thought they might motivate me? (Incidentally, I am still bringing them home - they can be presents or I can wear them when I find the motivation) Or the stuff I bought for the classroom that promptly got stolen or wrecked?

I have spent so much money here, but will have nothing more when I go home - 20 kg is so little to boil it all down to.

Anger

It's been almost a decade since my life changed substantially. And I think that most of the time I am totally over it. I go about my day without thinking about it; I can go months - literally. Then I will decide to have a look through someone's pictures on Facebook and my anger comes crushing back in.

I don't often have a knee-jerk reaction of anger, fear and sickness, but to do with this situation I do. All together. At the same time. It's mighty uncomfortable. It reminds me of a person who I used to be who allowed this to take place. It reminds me of who I am now and how much hard, and I do mean hard, work it's taken to get me to this place in my life.

There are things in life that you can look back and go, well, that wasn't so smart was it duck? but that aren't horrifying, embarrassing and mortifying. This is not one of those times. I have spent (almost) the last decade trying to outrun these emotions and I just can't seem to. Any mention of the situation makes me so mad. I get so angry and - you know the saying 'white hot anger'? Well, I know what it means. It's when you are so instantly angry that all common sense is removed from life. It's the point where 'temporary insanity' is useful. Your eyes are clouded and you can't see straight. But not with blood, oh no, blood red anger is maintained, it seeps through every core of your being. White hot anger though is either not kept in your at all, or is so well hidden that it doesn't affect you. Until something pushes a button and rage just completely engulfs you. It takes you over and you are no longer the person you are. You wouldn't know yourself if you saw your face. It's when all the beings around you in spirit recoil.

And I hate that ten years later, when I think I am living my life the way I want, I am running. Running so hard, and not getting anywhere. It is still with me and I could go to the moon and still be angry.