Sunday, January 3, 2010


It's been almost a decade since my life changed substantially. And I think that most of the time I am totally over it. I go about my day without thinking about it; I can go months - literally. Then I will decide to have a look through someone's pictures on Facebook and my anger comes crushing back in.

I don't often have a knee-jerk reaction of anger, fear and sickness, but to do with this situation I do. All together. At the same time. It's mighty uncomfortable. It reminds me of a person who I used to be who allowed this to take place. It reminds me of who I am now and how much hard, and I do mean hard, work it's taken to get me to this place in my life.

There are things in life that you can look back and go, well, that wasn't so smart was it duck? but that aren't horrifying, embarrassing and mortifying. This is not one of those times. I have spent (almost) the last decade trying to outrun these emotions and I just can't seem to. Any mention of the situation makes me so mad. I get so angry and - you know the saying 'white hot anger'? Well, I know what it means. It's when you are so instantly angry that all common sense is removed from life. It's the point where 'temporary insanity' is useful. Your eyes are clouded and you can't see straight. But not with blood, oh no, blood red anger is maintained, it seeps through every core of your being. White hot anger though is either not kept in your at all, or is so well hidden that it doesn't affect you. Until something pushes a button and rage just completely engulfs you. It takes you over and you are no longer the person you are. You wouldn't know yourself if you saw your face. It's when all the beings around you in spirit recoil.

And I hate that ten years later, when I think I am living my life the way I want, I am running. Running so hard, and not getting anywhere. It is still with me and I could go to the moon and still be angry.

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