Lack of internet

My computer has crapped itself. I still have money on my dongle, but my computer modem isn't functioning. So, I can't access the internet.

I'm on my housemate's computer while she's at school (on a Sunday! There is more to life, I say... but I am choosing to feel guilty about how much she is doing and how little I am.) so I won't be updating in a while.

Know that I am thinking of you all and will be back with a multitude of posts. I'm even keeping an electronic 'blog journal' so that when I get access back I can update you all.

:)

In the meantime, have fun, and look at the sky now and then for a reprieve.

Rolling over.

Am about to pack and head out to W tomorrow. Jumped on blogger to have a quick look, and yet another blogger has died. :( The world is imploding.

So, to slough off the grief and loss, I will share some good news with you.

My nephew rolled over today.

Life must go on.

Conan O'Brien

Normally I hate him.

Well, I like him more than Letterman or the other fella he had a fight with. Just don't find him funny.

But I needed to slough off my sadness, so was listening while typing.

He asked 'staffers kids' how their parents liked working for him.

1. She wishes that Conan had some kind of disease.
2. After working for Conan, he says there is no God.
3. Conan gave Mum $5000 and told her it was time for new boobs.
4. Conan threw hot coffee in my Dad's eyes and he can't see now. Conan calls him 'Blindy Mcnosight."

I giggled.

*Disclaimer. I don't think these are real. They were incredibly good looking and ethnically diverse children. But it tickled my funny bone. Or as King Francois said in 'The Tudors' tonight, tres amusant.
**Disclaimer Two: I know we don't have a funny bone, it's a nerve. I also understand that it's not funny for the person who's hit it.
*** Disclaimer Three: I know it's funny for other people 'cause it's painful and seeing people in pain is funny. Kind of like farts.
**** Disclaimer Four: I don't know whether tres needs an acute or accent. I could look it up, but I can't be bothered.

Loss

We've all lost something. It may not have been a visceral loss; a partner, a parent, a child. It may only have been a treasured toy or pet (which, to a child could be counted as on the same scale.)

I've lost grandparents, parents of close friends and cousins. I was upset. I cried. I went to funerals and went to the wakes.

Nothing I felt compares to what Lori and Lulu have to be feeling.

With all the death and destruction in Brisbane, Queensland, New South Wales, Victoria, Western Australia, Brazil and other places, it is the postings of these two women who have hit me. My body is drained and I feel like crying.

I think it was the anguish in the post of Lulu's experience in being called to her sister's side that got in under my skin.

I am eternally sorry for them and wishing them time and coping when they are ready.

I am thinking of you both.

Optimism

The removalists think they can get my stuff to my new house by Monday afternoon.

Driving:

through Brisbane City, Ipswich, Grantham, Withcott, Toowoomba, Dalby, Chinchilla, and Miles.

or

through Strathpine, Caboolture, Theodore and Taroom.

or

through Brisbane City, Ipswich, Warwick, Goondoowindi, and Miles.

I love optimistic people!

From Caelum's Mumma.

Hi everyone.  Meg has asked me to be a guest blogger on her blog. :P

Im not so good on blogging. I have tried it and failed, hah, you should see my "wedding blog" I think the only blog I used kinda regularly was a group one which we used kinda like we use facebook for now. Ha. We obviously don't use it any more :P


It's funny. B4 I left work for maternity leave I never really looked at FB and only rarely checked my email, but being housebound I find I check both multiple times a day and have even become a fairly regular commenter and occasionally change my own "status". I have uploaded a butt load of pics of my beautiful bubby :P

I've never really considered myself to be that dependent on social interaction - I've always been just happy with just hanging out with my hubby and if friends come out with us, well, that's just an added bonus. But obviously spending as much time at home as I do now is just a little too much.

I miss work :P

I can't wait to go back to work but I'm a bit worried about how I'm goin to cope with working, being a mum and studying. I start my uni course at the end of February, one subject atm, so only one 3 hour lesson a week but I'll have study time on top of that. I will more than likely be going back to work 4 days a week. Gonna put CJ into child care 2 times week and he'll go to his Nanna one day and his Granmar the other.

That will prolly be hard too. I've left him in Grandparent care often, just for a movie or to go to dinner with hubby or shopping. We try to have some us time at least once a fortnight :) but that's just a few hours only over one feed really. To leave him for a whole day :( well at least I got a few months or so to get used to the idea. haha.

OK. I'm lost for more things to say now :P

Hope you all enjoyed my visit :P and here is a pic of my beautiful baby :)



CJ - Cheeky Little Monkey!


**Shantell gave me written permission to post this picture**



Preparations

The house in which I live is not in a suburb with flooding warnings.

I have still put all my electronics into a bag, with my certificates and passport etc. Most of my other stuff is up in the top shelf (you know the one, the obnoxiously high one in the cupboard that you can never reach.)

I have things on my bed. On my desk. We are contemplating getting out the sandbags.

So, I hear you ask, "If you're not on the flood warning list, why are you getting prepared?"

Because my mother bought a townhouse less than 100m from the creek. At the bottom of an almost perpendicular hill. At ground level.

Being prepared is the motto of the day.

I hope everyone in any part of the flooding and fires in Australia are safe.

Selfishness

My grandmother once told me that I was the 'most spoilt person she'd ever met.' My response was, "Of course I was bloody spoilt - I'm the eldest of your grandchildren by 2 years. Do you think you contributed?" I can't remember the rest of the conversation, and it might not be verbatim, and as we know with memory, it may not have happened at all.

But I am. Selfish. Selfish to the core. I try not to be. I try to be unselfish and care about others. I really do.

I buy people things. I do what they want, without complaining (to them at least) when I really don't just want to sit there and do nothing. I ensure that other people have fun wherever we are, to the point it annoys me. I devote my time to my friends and students.

But, emotionally, I'm mine. I don't get worked up about things that don't affect me, or at least annoy me. I don't consider other people's emotions, and often tune out when they are speaking to me. I expect of course that they listen to every single thing I say.

I feel sorry for the people who have been involved in the floods. (BTW, I know that Australia is large and tell people that. Do people overseas understand it now, when a third of our state is the same size and France and Germany combined???) I really do. They've lost their livelihoods, pets, friends, homes and memories. My heart goes out to them and I've donated. But. And here's the thing. I am only worried how it affects me.

Am I going to be able to get out there on the weekend? It's looking less and less likely.
Are the students going to be at school the week after next?
Am I going to have to do clean up when I get out there?

I don't want other people to suffer, but I'm thinking solely of me. Me.

Like the prayers going around the Australian blogosphere for Lori and her Husband. He died today. Don't now why, but am really curious. When the news came that he was in the ICU, I sent a quick prayer and read everyone's blogs about it. I wanted information.

I was sympathetic. I felt bad for her and wanted the family to be safe, healthy and happy. But I didn't really care. I was grateful that it wasn't me going through that. I said thank you, sent a quick, "Please help them get through this" and went on my own merry way.

And if being emotionally cut off from sympathy, empathy and caring aren't examples of pure selfishness, I don't know what is. I feel guilty. I am working on 'passing it up' - sending it to the Angels to help remove from my personality.  To be more caring for my fellow citizens in the world and online.

Please forgive me.

Baby-sitting

So, you know what I do for a job right? You know that teaching is my passion, even if I procrastinate too much and end up not doing quite as well as I want. (Honesty people!)

Well, I work in the high school system. Therefore, I look after (and try to get through to) up to 200 students per week - in England, it was over this - and I keep them safe. I make sure they are nourished. I make sure that they are learning the accepted morals of the society we live in. I try to make sure that they are emotionally nourished. I ensure that they are safe and nothing can harm them. OK, so sometimes, being teenagers, I can't do all of this, but I definitely try.

Well, my friends don't seem to want my expertise in looking after their children. C's Mumma is getting less connected as he gets old (cannot believe he's three months old) and I totally understand that she doesn't want to leave him alone with me.

But other friends? I offer to take friends' children to the movies and I don't get a response. It's holidays, and you're working and you've left him with his grandmother. Surely a friend taking him out would be a good thing? I can keep them safe. I do it for a job.

I just don't understand why a simple return SMS back - 'no thanks, he's fine where he is'. 'No thanks, but thanks for the offer' is so hard.

The same thing applies for RSVPs. I think I'm only ever going to get RSVPs for my wedding during the ceremony. (No, no wedding as yet!) You'd think the advent of Facebook Events would make it easier - click 'Yes', 'No' or 'Maybe'. It's not that hard. And seriously! If I ask for RSVPs 'cause I have to book a table, let me know!!!!

Rant over.

My friends' children

I love them dearly.

Ok, I love Caelum as if he was my family. Mia, I adore, and she's gorgeous, but not like my family. But I still love her in that she is delightful and is great fun to have around.

I wonder what the new babes that are to be born this year are going to be like....

Easy going? Frustrated easily? Friendly? Fussy?

It's all a mystery. A lovey mystery for my friends and by extension me.

I hope that one day I have my own mystery.

Hugs make the world go round

They do. Oh, they really do.

I got C for twenty minutes or so today before he started crying. Go me! I'm starting to slowly get a not-so-negative reaction from my nephew and I tell you, I totally needed it. I was starting to get paranoid.

I know young children are scared of me, but I really wanted C to like me and let me cuddle him.

He has consistently now, for the last three visits, allowed me to hold him for over half an hour.

I was getting 45 seconds before screaming started.

I know I'm not his Mumma. I know that I'm just some random woman who comes over sometimes.

But holding him in my arms is so special.

I love my BFF (oh dear God, she is my closest friend and loves me unconditionally, but I don't know that she'd like being called my BFF) and that she is welcoming and allows me the title of 'Auntie' and is including me in the life of her special little guy.

He is gorgeous.

I hope my kids can play with him and his siblings when they arrive.

New Clothes

There's new clothes today.

Not for me - that was last week. (a really gorgeous rose pink maxi-dress).

For the blog.

I've renamed her, and have updated her look. There's this unsightly white part next to the header. That's my ICT incompetence coming to the fore.

I'm not stressed about it.

What do you think?

Parking and Teenagers

^^
Them. Them up above. They're why I HATE Chermside Shopping Centre.

Anyhooooo... on a less rage-filled note...

I have had total anxiety about any form of exercise for years. To the point that before I moved to England I was so scared to stand up from sitting that I didn't do it unless someone was in the room. I couldn't get to sleep 'cause I thought I might die during the night that my Mother had to sit with me (I was 26) until I fell asleep and I would often wake her up if I woke up. I moved to England to snap myself out of it. I'm still not totally OK, but I can live alone, walk up some stairs at school and generally stand for the 70 minute lessons.

But that's background information. Needed. You probably won't understand the momentousness of the next statement.

I can now participate in Just Dance 2 for 20 minutes straight and earn on average 250 'sweat points' per song. I am dripping by the end of it. And my left fingers are numb (a common manifestation of stress for me.)

I go straight to bed after doing it. Or at least lying down on the couch. I find if I sleep or get distracted by the TV I forget the immensity of the exercise (which I know doesn't sound that much, but I weight almost 150kgs, so it's a big deal to dance non-stop for 20 minutes, even if it's mostly my body and arms) and can get through the rest of the day.

I feel looser, am sleeping better and can breathe easier.

Children's pictures.

So, for those of you who don't know, I do not have children. Therefore, I know, I am supposed to be silent and not have any opinions on discipline, breast-feeding, or anything. Until I've pushed one out, I am supposed to sit and not have any judgements about how people are raising their children. I understand that.

But that's not who I am. I am a teacher and control upwards of 200 children throughout the week. For 6+ hours per day, which unfortunately is much longer than a lot of my students' parents control their own spawn. You know, bed at 8pm, getting up at 7, at school by 8, parents home at 6. I have done copious amounts of reading and know quite a lot of people with children - I think I am intelligent and passively absorb ideas and advice. Never mind the child development study I've done in my last 9 years of study at university.

Most of the time, I don't mind that I am expected to be quiet. I know it's my place as a non-breeder. But, I have to post this. I must have a little rant.

I am sick and tired of seeing people post pictures of their children on the net. If you want to do that, that's fine - I've posted a few of my friends' kids on Facebook in my friends only albums with their written permission (I know some of the laws you see). What I am truely sick of is the hypocritical nature of these women.

It's like they think, "If I hide my child's name, then I can put a photo of him/her on the open blogosphere no matter what it is showing."

I stumbled across a post yesterday where the woman had posted about potty training (which she had started at 3!) and had accompanied the post with a naked picture of her son sitting on the potty. So, no penis, but still! I mean come on.

She may have thought, it's ok, there are no names, so paedophiles cannot do anything to my son. No, they can't. Except "Save As" and use the picture as an aid. There are gross people out there you know. This is where I see the hypocrisy coming into the fore.

I guarantee you that the many of these women would be demanding of the death penalty and naming and shaming a man/woman who had abused a child. By posting your child's picture, you may be enabling this.

If you choose to post a picture of your child, please remove the hypocrisy - name your child, don't use some cutesy nickname and be aware that someone may want to use the picture in an impure way.

And think on this - you may not care about this. I understand that. But think about how embarrassed you were when Mum and Dad took naked pictures and put it in your photo albums. Not only have you allowed your family and friends to see this, you've embarrassed them in front of the entire world.

Think Mothers. Think.


*************************************************
Not totally just my own opinion:



 """Appropriate representation

Ensure that all children in the photograph or image are appropriately dressed. Care should be taken not
to print or broadcast any images that may be used for the sexual gratification of others, for example,
images of naked or semi-dressed children or those that display young people emulating adults.

Do not publish images that are likely to cause distress, upset or embarrassment to the child – either
now, or in the future. Consider whether the image portrays the child or young person in a demeaning
way, or if it could be seen to exploit the child in any way."""" --

 Commission for Children and Young People and Child Guardian (2010) Tips for parents on photography of children and young people. [Online] Queensland Government. Available: http://www.ccypcg.qld.gov.au/pdf/publications/brochures/children-and-the-media/Corporate-Fact-Sheet3.pdf 

Floods

I feel guilty.

I watch the fires every year and say, "Oh that's sad" and then move on.
I watched the drought and said, "Oh, that's sad" and then move on.
I usually watch floods and say, "Oh, that's sad" and then move on.

It doesn't affect me, so it's abstract and for some reason I don't feel too much empathy or sympathy.

This year, it is affecting me. I am stressed, angry and annoyed.

Why didn't I take care of the people when it was happening to them and not me?

2011

My goal this year:

To look back on the 31st December 2011 and be happy with my decisions. And to look positively on everything.

Then I was kicked out of my friends' house - not as rude as it sounds, her baby doesn't settle with people other than Mum and Dad in the house and he had slept around 1 hour since 9am (it was 7pm at this time) so I left. I asked her if I should leave.

We all hung out at her house today for NYE (yes, I know it's a day late) because C can't be taken of routine atm. I understand that and it was actually really enjoyable - no drinking, just chatting and lunch. A really grown up NYE! But everyone there was paired off at least and most were pregnant.

So, all I heard for 5 hours was f**cking crap about pregnancy, babies, how rude people who don't have kids are (? Hello, I'm just trying to give you new ideas if I mention something, and yes, I know I don't have children. I know that. You don't need to rub it in.) and how people shouldn't discipline others' children. If your child uses my digital camera, I don't expect you to let him stick his finger on the lens. I told him not to, sat down and explained that if you touch that, your finger smudge will be on every photo after and he said sorry (he's 4.) If you're not going to keep an eye on my $350 equipment, then I have to!

But anyway, my positivity went out the window. It just reminded me how single, unsecure (I have been given a full time job with the Ed dept, but it is smack bang in the middle of the floods, so I don't know I'll be there to start) and unloved I am.

And no, familial and friendship love doesn't bloody well count.

So, contrary to my goal of positivity, I went to Nando's, sobbed while waiting for my food and brought 8 Cruisers. I thought drinking before the New Year was customary?